Trigger Warning: Reading this piece may cause a strong emotional response.
It never occurred to a girl like me, who lived her years of childhood and adolescence in a closed community like Upper Egypt far away from a lot of information, that she will replace her professional career from working in tourism to civil society. She didn’t even know that this society does exist in the first place. And instead of telling the stories of mummies and ancestors who left us 7000 years ago, she will listen to and document dozens of personal stories/ testimonies of people who have been subjected to several forms of abuse and violence.
I was extremely passionate about what I am doing. What a noble work which needs a lot of sympathy for others! My bosses then told me that such a job needs to understand the traumas which victims have gone through. They also pointed out the dark side of this job which may include PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), or burning out, or other psychological syndromes and disorders. However, there was another dark face which no one told me about. Rather, I experienced it myself over years of working. Another side of facing work stress and violations taking place within the work environment which double our risk of burnout.
Over my seven years of work in several projects in the civil / human rights society, through which I gained a lot of knowledge about such disorders and psychological syndromes and their symptoms, which result from work pressure, so that I would be aware and get one step ahead if I noticed any of them.
Perhaps I was deceived by my experience, that I thought I was safe in my job. I thought that I was impervious to cracking. Thus I kept saying to myself, “I’m fine. I can still work and I can hold on. So, everything is fine”. I kept working day and night, and slept over my couch to keep a few sleeping hours then wake up to continue working, while tasks stacked between the hours I can carve out of my sleep.
I wanted more and joined a full time job then an additional job and small jobs in between. “ It won’t harm. I did it several times before”, I thought, what would self-care offer to me? Would it pay my bills? Or give me the promotion I want? Would it fill in the gap between me and the “superhuman” job requirements that employers demand? Also, I was very careful and can control anything that might come up in my life, or so I thought!
Whenever my strength failed, I was prompted to continue by a quote from a friend of mine: “We are middle-class graduates of public universities. We have to work additional hours to meet the requirements of the grinding labor market”.
I tried my best to take care of myself and follow a self-care routine and visit my psychiatrist regularly. But amidst the necessities of an arduous life, and being busy with several jobs, self-care slowly faded away. In addition, the financial income I received cannot be deducted for the sake of the expensive psychiatrist sessions.